Friday, June 11, 2010

Why do all my mutant powers SUCK!?

When I was a little boy, I used to watch X-men on saturday mornings! (Let's not lie, I still watch it if I come across it playing on TV)  Well if you don't know what X-men are (because you live under a rock on some other planet or something) I will explain briefley so that this blog post makes sense. 

X-men is a series of comics created by Stan Lee the founder of Marvel Comics.  There have been several spin-offs from the comic series, including, but not limited to; movies, cartoons, books, action figures, stickers, etc.  While each take their own spin on things, they all stay true to this governing idea:

Through the process of evolution a number of humans throughout the world have genetic mutations which allow them to pocess superhuman abilities!  These abilities can be as extreme as flying, or as subtle as x-ray vision. 

Well let me just tell you, I definately am a Mutant! However, instead of getting a good power like telekenesis (moving things with your mind) or controling the weather, I got stuck with all the crappy ones!  No, I know what you're thinking- "I'm just complaining" but I will prove it!

MUTANT ABILITY #1: Extra Vertabrae

I recently discovered this wonderful power while at the chiropractor's office.  Do you know why I discovered it?  Because my back has been in constant pain for two solid weeks and I had to get x-ray's.  Most people have 5 lumbar and I have 6 and an extra disc too I think- which has the potential to cause me a whole lot of back pain in the future if I don't take care of it.  WOW! That was useful! lol!

MUTANT ABILITY #2: Monkey Arms

I know, I know! It's true I do have monkey arms.  Your wingspan (fingertip to fingertip when your arms are outstretched) is suppossed to equal your height.  Well my wingspan is 6', yet my height is only 5'9" (5'10" on a good day) lol.  And trust me, every tailor or person measuring me for clothing has told how long my arms are.  In fact the guy measuring me for my 8th grade promotion suit told me I had "unusually long, ape-like arms!" Thanks jerk! lol!  I mean my super long arms might be useful, if they were massive and ripped and could launch me around, but alas, they are not.  So while I look like a monkey, there will be no swinging from tree to tree with these bad boys!

But the last mutant ablility takes the cake! It is by far the worst!

MUTANT ABILITY #3: An Uncanny Resistance to Anti-Hystamines Due to an Uncanny Ammount of Mast Cells in my body!

Two days ago I went to the tanning booth (Yes I tan, get over it!) I was in a hurry and couldn't find my lotion so I asked Andrea if I could borrow hers.  She told me it was in her room and to just grab it.  She neglected to tell me that there were two different kinds in her room; the normal kind I use and this other one that caused her to have a bad reaction.  Can you guess which one I grabbed? 11 minutes felt like HELL! I thought I had a flesh-eating disease or something.  My skin was on fire, bright red, and felt like it was being stabbed by thousands of little needles.  Come to find out it has something in it called "tingler" which the lady told me I couldn't wash off for 6 to 8 hours or it would get worse.  Well let me just tell you it sent me into a full-blown alergic attack! I drove home as fast as I could and took 2 Benadryl and tried not to move!

When I woke up yesterday morning, It didn't hurt anymore, however, there was still a rash on my arms and legs and I didn't feel that well.  This morning, when I woke up the rash itched a little.  After my shower I put some lotion on it, thinking it was just dry skin.  Well on my way into work, my SUPER Mast Cells decided to release their Hystamines! I have never been in pain like this before! My arms and legs got itchier and itchier and would not stop burning.  I pulled off the freeway, went to the CVS and bought Benadryl Gel and Benadryl Cream, and Claritin.  I ran back to my car where I generously lathered first the gel all over my legs and arms! Then I took the pill. I brief moment of comfort insued and I thought it would be okay to continue my journey to work.  No sooner had I gotten on the freeway again that the intense burning and itching returned with a vengance.  I grabbed the cream (which is supposed to be used for like bug-bites not like and I squirted the tube out all over my arms and legs and attempted to lather them while driving.  The pain was so extreme I can't even explain it! I pulled off at the next exit and called my dad.  My mom had to come get me because I couldn't move.  I then took another Benadryl! Between the topical creams and pills, I have taken enough Anti-Hystamines to knock an Elephant unconcious for a year- but do you think it has even made me drowsy!? Nope! No relief! It has lessened the intensity of the itching and burning (which I really am greatful for) but it has not taken it away! It gets worse-this could last two to three more days! I might go insane by then!!!

So while you all are out having fun this weekend, say a quick little prayer for your friend here who can only lay here and try not to scream! (Oh and I have screamed today out in pain and frustration- Chinese water torcher's got nothing on this!) LOL!

Why couldn't I have just been born with Telekenisis?! :(

1 comment:

*A Little Bit Of Brown Suga* said...

Greg!! I have extra bones in my back too! Does that make me a superhero too? That means I could beat up Reed if I'm a super hero.